|"College Knowledge" (Jabbies)
||[Sep. 13th, 2005|01:29 am]
A Big Ball of Friggin Awesome
You know something... the more and more I go through my days I realize the futility of daily life, especially where I am now. The worst feeling I have right this second is that it feels like I am completely wasting my time, like my only purpose is to stay upbeat and content enough to jump around from highlight to highlight, from my daily routine here to something that may stick out and bear some fruit down the road, whether it's a holiday, a concert, or a weekend at home. Everyone else around me is in awe of the "independence" and "freedom" of college, how fucking sweet it is.... right? Well... if you ask me, people are just putting up blinders as they travel from one set of drunken binges to the next, trying to both consciously and subconsciously tell themselves that everything is so sweet, going to parties, maybe or maybe not knowing where you wake up the next morning... a bunch of people trying to have some kind of tangible ties to "community" here, beit a club or like I said, set of drinking buddies. Call it some sort of screwed up existentialist bullcrap, but it seems like the big pink elephant in the middle of collegiate life is "hey, everything we are apart of is superficial, but let's pretend that everyone belongs to something more than just a semi-furnished prison cell with other equally imprisoned people"
Not to run the cliche of school = prison into the ground, but I can't help but feel entrapped at a school where honestly, you cannot stray on foot off of campus without having some sort of fear for your safety. So when you confine yourself to your dorm after dark, where absolutley no privacy takes place, how are you supposed to keep some peace of mind?
This is not at all to say that I'm not trying to branch out and meet people. Fuck no. That couldn't be further from the truth. I've met quite a few people and I'm joining several thing to occupy my time. But I'll do myself and everyone around me a favor and see the forest for the trees. The people that I occasionally grab lunch with, we joke around, bullshit, and shoot the breeze together, but that isn't the beginning of some amazing life long comraderie or friendship. As soon as a better deal comes up, I will be replaced by someone else to divert attention away from that same pink elephant.
Now I know that my entries since the beginning of school here have been melancholy at best and a lot of this may just be from the fact that I have an incredibly hard time letting go, but I do believe that a lot of my observations hold a lot of truth even if it does have an intentional slant to it. People like Ben, Sam, and his roomates will hopefully change my mind about a lot of this at some point. I have had a few good, enjoyable days here, but I have discovered that where I belong, at least for right now, isn't here. Maybe I was not meant to jump from pleasant suburban Collegeville to such a drastic change off of Broad Street in Philly.
You live, you learn. Maybe all of this will look like a retarded spouting of anger and depression in the morning. Either way, I'll keep it up here.... something to compare and contrast with in the future.